Death: The Light on a Raven’s Wings
In western culture the raven has been known as a symbol of death, a bad omen. On the contrary, for some Native cultures, he is a God, a symbol of wisdom, rebirth, and metamorphism. This is how the story goes. These are the unfortunate events that lead to the creation of this painting, The Touch of Death.
I have a close relationship with death. I know what it feels like from both ends. With both you feel incomplete and empty.
But death is forever a reminder of why I’m here. Death has shaped me. It has broken and repaired me. Death is my constant.
It was the first day of Christmas break, 2014. Despite the snowy cast outside my friend and I had got in her car and gone for a celebratory ride on my pride and joy, Penny. It was like any other time at the stable; fun, calming… full of life. All of us were blinded from the darkening shadows, slowly creeping in from the corners… an empty abyss. It was on our way back from the stable that the darkness truly wrapped its dark, cold fingers around my life.
Ice. Metal. Trees. Glass. Blood. Then silence, true and utter silence.
I was suddenly the only one awake, the only soul I thought to remain in the tin can that was once a car. Impossibly, slumped over the steering wheel, in a sea of broken glass, she was alive. I was alive. Yet when the paramedic finally came I was bombarded, “I don’t know how you survived this,” “I thought you would be dead,” “You should be dead.”
You should be dead.
Should be dead.
Dead. DEAD.
Tighter.
Sometimes I think back to that moment and wonder what would have happened had I died that cold night. How many people would have cared? How much would I regret? Why was I given this second chance? What am I to do with my life now that I almost lost it? Despite the odds I survived, and so did my friend… but our friendship quickly died.
Tighter.
I was left with only my horse to confide in; my only friend. The day my cast was removed I was diagnosed with a severe illness that left me incapacitated for two months. There was nothing I could do but hope that I would be ok. And (surprise!) I survived that too. Everything would be ok now, the bad times were over…
But bad things come in threes.
Shattered.
I remember the day like it was yesterday; May 18, 2015. The sun was shining, bright. But a raven greeted me at my window (… it actually did). That day darkness ripped out my heart and left me in the cold abyss of its dungeon. It was warm, smoke was in the air, and I felt nothing. My solace, my best friend, my Penny… Dead.
I can still see her lifeless and cold, no life in her eyes, kissing her cheek goodbye. All I thought was why did I live and she die?
That day I wondered why I was alive.
That day I wanted to die.
I felt as if I could never love someone, something again. Darkness would just take them down too. So I shunned myself from the world; just me and the dark clouds in my head. This was where I belonged, after all. But I was wrong.
Going through what I did was a tainted gift. The only real way to see the brightness is to first have the lights shut off. Yes, I unfortunately have more emotional baggage then your average Joe, but it lets me help others. It lets me create. It lets me LIVE like I never have. I see things now, I feel things now. Raindrops skating across a puddle, the quiet whisper of the wind in a forest, the flicker in a lover’s eyes. The light that radiates through the darkness.
Freedom.
I am not scared anymore. You see, death is everywhere. Without death we would not have life. Whether we care to admit it or not, there is no escaping it. To focus on it is to blind yourself. If there is one thing you should take away from my story is to never stop feeling. Feel the excitement of getting that acceptance letter, feel the delight of running your fingers through your dogs fur, feel the passion in your lover’s eyes… feel the despair of losing the one you love. Feel it and hold it tight, and use it to push forward. Death is not the end, it is the chance for a new beginning, a chance for life. Whether it’s the change of seasons, watching the one thing you truly cared about take her last breath, or your last breath… you can never run from death. So I run with it, and all my pain fades away.